June Kitahara and Kana Motojima
August, 2025
August, 2025
[Recorded August 10, 2025]
> I thought it might be nice to record something (mumbles) since I’m walking to Tompkins right now (sound of an ambulance passing by)
>I talked to a lot of people about what happened. I realized I am always craving to be in a position where I am desired. I am trying to figure out where that came from. But I’m also trying to figure out why in this present moment that still persists.
>I remember in middle school I felt really unattractive. I didn’t feel pretty. Um. One of the earliest memories I think I have is Skyping [redacted] and watching them watch me. At the time [redacted] and [redacted] were my best friends and I was adjusting to living in this new space. I was 12. What the hell (laughs). But then there was this person who dedicated their time to giving me attention so I spent five hours a day watching them solve this damn Rubix cube. Just because I knew they would return the favor. Someday (laughs).
>This feeling has translated beyond attraction. It’s this addiction to newness. I am always itching for a new presence or environment. I don’t even need to like it. The sparkle of newness gives me the excuse to abandon what I have labored. I wanted to abandon the self that I have yet to work on. It’s easier to return to a self I’ve once known, even if that self is hurtful, impulsive, painful (pigeons coo nearby).
> I’m so agreeable. I always feel the need to mirror the person in front of me and allow them the space to hear and see themselves. I don’t think it makes me a good person. It’s actually not productive at all. I want to leave myself the room to share my opinion or else I’m a shell of a thing. A vessel to be poured into with nothing left for myself (sighs). I don’t want to be such an agreeable figure. I want to leak into myself and allow the disagreements to spill out.
> I don’t even know why I talked to [redacted]. Again, it’s this newness thing and I appreciate that they became a vessel for me to figure all of this out. They kept saying “I’ve never met someone like you” and that singularity felt meaningful to me. It’s unfortunate it had to be this way. That I had to be this way (laughs). I ate that shit up and then I digested it and spit it back out (laughs). Okay, enough with the metaphors girl. Jesus.
>Awww, I think I’m gonna cry. I just saw a kid that looked like a perfect mix of [redacted] and I. I realized I’m partially grieving some of the ways I can call this world mine. I wish they would come up with that bone marrow thing already so [redacted] and I could have our cute chubby cheeked kid already. Obviously the kid would still be ours. Biology doesn’t matter. Hell, it would be nice if they don’t inherit our generational traumas and curses (laughs). But I don’t know. It’s a selfish thing. Whatever.
> I realized that every time I go into a public bathroom I always do the finger test. Where you put your finger to the mirror and if it doesn’t touch or something it could possibly be a double-sided mirror. I did that in a gas station bathroom in the middle of Ithaca and freaked myself out. I wondered if there was some teenage boy behind the mirror watching me groom myself. And liking it.